In the beginning, there was the Fanta, and it was good…
Written by Kassie. Performed in Idiot Crabs. Cast Tony Assande/God: Parisa Gabriel: Emalyn Christina Sweeney: Andrew Shannon Lippert: Sarah Text of the Piece GOD is trying to sleep. However, the Sarah Lawrence students are being very loud and obnoxious. There might be a party on the lawn. For staging purposes, Matt Chen and a volunteer (Megan Phillips) are faking having rampant sex and being loud. Either way, GOD rolls around fitfully, and then screams out blearily for Gabriel. GABRIEL enters. Gabriel, for the record, is not actually an angel. Nor is God actually God. Gabriel is an irritated student, and God is an angry RA. GABRIEL: What, Tony? GOD: (half-asleep) NOT MY NAME. GABRIEL: ...Yes, oh Holiest of Holies? GOD: SHUT THE WINDOW. GABRIEL shuts the window. The noise continues. GOD is frustrated. GABRIEL: Can I get anything for you, My Lord? Earplugs? GOD: ALREADY WEARING THEM, GABRIEL. GABRIEL: You know, I have a name— GOD: Your name is GABRIEL. GABRIEL: …Do you want some tea? GOD: (declines loudly; goes to the window and glares) Actually. Gabriel, who right now would you say is the most virtuous among my children? GABRIEL: That’s pretty easy: Christina Sweeney. GOD: Summon her immediately. GABRIEL exits, not very pleased with this. GOD stands on his bed and glares at the partying. GABRIEL re-enters with CHRISTINA in tow. He drops her off with GOD, then exits, rolling his eyes and grumbling. Through the following exchange, CHRISTINA should face forward, despite carrying on a conversation. Christina is oblivious to the fact that God is not actually God. CHRISTINA: Wait, wait, wait — who are you? Where am I going? What’s going ON here? GOD: Christina Sweeney. CHRISTINA: Y-y-yes? GOD: I am Him that is called I Am. CHRISTINA: Oh, my… (she averts her eyes) GOD: Yes, yes, I am exceedingly mighty. Listen to me, Christina. I have seen my children at Sarah Lawrence College, and I’ve seen that they have gone astray— CHRISTINA: Oh, yes, I know, Lord. There’s so much sex, and the drugs, and the partying! It’s enough to make you sick! GOD: Yes, well. Christina, your fellow students have incited the Lord’s Wrath. They are wicked, and sinful, and, frankly, they’ve been keeping me up late at night. I can’t run a universe on that little sleep— CHRISTINA: Aren’t you supposed to be omnipotent? GOD: DO NOT QUESTION ME! CHRISTINA: I’m sorry, Lord! GOD: GOOD! …Christina, due to the wickedness and volume of your fellow students’ partying, I am going to wreak a plague upon your campus. CHRISTINA: Oh no! GOD: Oh, YES! Being the only virtuous one among them, you must go to my people and you must tell them that they will be punished for their sinning! CHRISTINA: How — how are they going to be punished, Lord? GOD: First, I will send contagions unto all the genitals on the Sarah Lawrence campus— GABRIEL: OH NO YOU DON’T. (Enter GABRIEL, with SHANNON in tow.) SHANNON: What the hell is going on here? GABRIEL: Tony’s doing his ‘God is an angry RA’ thing again! CHRISTINA: ...What? SHANNON: Tony! How many times have we gone over this? GOD: But the kids on the lawn are KEEPING ME UP AT NIGHT! CHRISTINA: You mean… TONY! SHANNON: I don’t care! You are not omnipotent! GOD: But the kids— CHRISTINA: HOW COULD YOU? SHANNON: Not omnipotent! And taking advantage of Christina like this is just MEAN. (Shannon chases God/Tony offstage, possibly beating him. Gabriel comes over to Christina.) CHRISTINA: I can’t believe I fell for that AGAIN. GABRIEL: You know what’ll make it better? CHRISTINA: What? GABRIEL: Ice cream! CHRISTINA: Okay! (they exit.) Category:Pieces